Cat Rules

The Boss

The rules according to cats*


Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare


Do not allow any closed doors in any room.  To get a door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once the door is open, it is not necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an "outside" door open, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.  This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season


If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.  If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.  When throwing up on the carpet make sure you back up so that your vomit is as long as a human foot


If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".  Following are the rules for hampering

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.  You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself

For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible.  Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and bat the pencil or pen

For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to help!  First sit on the paper being worked on.  When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.  After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off the table, one at a time

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump

When a human is working at the computer, jump on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen, lie precariously in the human's lap or across the arms, hampering typing in progress.  At the time of writing this my cat is sitting in front of the keyboard with her voluminous tail draped across the keys so that I have to type on top of the hair


 As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark and when they first get up in the morning.  This will help their coordination skills


Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around, you are conserving their energy for them.  Use this time to wash yourself thoroughly, don't be concerned with the licking noise, the human will sleep through it.  Get up often to have a snack to keep up your strength, again don't be concerned with the crunching noises, your human will be happy that you are happy - don't forget to wash yourself again when you get back into bed


When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. This will let the humans know how much you appreciate their thoughtfulness, they also love the feel of kitty litter between their toes


Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you.  Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.  This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost.  Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat


Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around and present your butt to them.  Humans love this so do it often, and don't forget the guests


*Credit for this goes to an anonymous author - obviously owned by a cat